I've
been told that I would make a good writer. I know that I
like writing stories, but I am never sure that I can make
the things I feel come out on paper. I always write about
things that I know about, and I am going to continue that
with this story. I don't come off very well in it, but if
another parent benefits from hearing my story, it will be
more than worth letting you know what a jackass I was. At
the time my story begins, I was a single mother with two
children. My little girl, Danna was 7, and my son Chris
was 8. I had been divorced from my husband since my daughter's
birth and the kids had no contact with their father for
several years. I had a job that was steady and a good boss.
I managed to make enough money to pay my bills and still
have a little money left over every week and had just gotten
a FHA loan and bought a house. . I know it seems like I
am rambling, but I think you will need a little background
information to be able to fully understand my story. I had
been dating my boss's brother for about 3 years and we seemed
to get along real well and the kids were crazy about him.
He had been asking me to marry him for more than a year,
but I wasn't in love with him, so I kept telling him no.
Even though I refused to marry him, I kept thinking about
the fact that my children had no father. I felt that I was
cheating them by staying single, just because I wasn't in
love. After two years of saying no, I finally decided to
tell Bob that I would marry him if he still wanted me. I
thought that I was doing what was best for my children.
I married Bob on August 5, 1983. That's when my stupidity
began. After the marriage, my house payments doubled. Within
3 months Bob had quit his job, but he still spent money
like it was water, so things got more and more behind. Things
got more and more tense at home. My mother kept telling
me that she had warned me that buying a house was a serious
risk. Bob managed to convince me that I was letting other
people influence my decisions; and that was a lot of our
problem. He convinced me that if we let the house go back
and moved to Wisconsin, there would be more jobs to choose
from than there were in our small town. Bob had another
stepdaughter 18 years old. She spent a lot of time with
us, but she and Bob didn't always get along. One night I
came home to a nightmare that I will never forgive myself
for and will haunt me for the rest of my life. When I got
home, Lura told me that she needed to talk to me, and proceeded
to tell me that Bob had been molesting Danna. That he had
done the same thing to her as a child. I couldn't believe
that it could be true. Lura had to be making it up. I was
sure in my own mind that if something like that had been
going on, I would have seen some kind of signs. I thought
that if I just talked to Danna myself, that I could straighten
it all out. There had to be some kind of mistake! The story
I heard from Danna was almost word for word, the story that
I got from Lura. In my mind, somehow that convinced me that
Lura was behind the story. That, for some twisted reason
of her own, she had convinced Danna that it was true and
had coached her about what to say. Danna was an impressionable
child, so I convinced myself that it was possible. When
Bob got home, I didn't even tell him what Lura had said.
Impossible as it seems now, I was convinced that Lura was
just mad at her Dad for some reason, and that she was behind
the whole story. Well, we moved to Beloit, Wisconsin in
December of 1984. By Easter of 1985 I was pregnant again,
and Bob still didn't have a job. I decided to come home
to Arkansas. Danna was more sullen and quieter every day.
I began to wonder if I had made a terrible mistake. We moved
in with my mother until we could find a place to live. Danna
was watching TV one day and Bob came in and changed the
channel. When the show he was watching went off, Danna asked
if she could change the channel back to her program, and
Bob threw the TV remote at her and it hit her in the face.
I screamed at him to get out, and he left. Apparently he
thought that he just needed to give me time to cool off.
While he was gone, I talked to Danna again about what Lura
had told me. This time, I really listened. I took Danna
to a local mental health center, and told them what I had
found out, and they put her in counseling. They also called
Child Protective Services and reported to them what had
been going on. They investigated Danna's story, and told
me that in their opinion, that the story was true. They
wanted to prosecute him for child molestation, but I refused.
Maybe I was wrong, but at that point I didn't thing Danna
could cope with a trial and all that went with it. She was
too fragile emotionally. When Bob came back, all his things
were sitting on the porch. I told him if he wanted to live,
then he had better stay away from the kids and me. Danna
stayed counseling for 2 years, but it didn't help much.
Danna just seemed to close in on herself, and she kept saying
she didn't want to think about it anymore. When my son Adam
was born, I had visitation fixed so that Bob would never
be alone with him. I was never going to give him a chance
to influence my son in any way. Four years later, Danna
was still having nightmares and screaming in her sleep.
I will never forgive myself for not having believed her
at first. I could have saved her so much heartache. But
I learned that lesson the hard way. Danna and I still didn't
have a good relationship. I didn't really understand why
until much later. I know it broke my heart every time I
looked at her, because I felt so guilty for what she had
gone through. I felt like I had betrayed her, because I
didn't protect her from Bob. I have been married three times.
The first time I married, I had been seventeen for 4 whole
days. The actual marriage lasted 3 years and I came out
of 20 years old, severely depressed, and with 2 babies.
The second time I married, the marriage itself only lasted
2 years and Bob molested my daughter, a seven-year-old child.
By that time I was pregnant with my 3rd child and I was
a basket case. When talking about the past seemed to upset
Danna so much, I didn't push her. I never tried to make
her talk about what had happened. I was afraid it would
push her ever farther away from me. After that, I decided
that there would be no more men for me. I was just going
to concentrate on being a good mother. But 5 years later,
I met a man that really changed my world. He is 9 years
younger than I am, but he had a hard life himself, and grew
up very fast. In his eyes my three children are his kids,
and he has always treated them that way. He has been the
only real daddy my kids have ever known. No biological father
could love his kids more. My daughter Danna took to him
right away. Which was amazing, because after she was molested,
she changed from being a happy child, to being afraid of
everyone of the male sex, including her uncle, my brother.
If a male came into the house, she went to her room and
stayed there until they left. Don't think it has all been
easy. It has been real hard at times. But Joe had the courage
to do what I didn't. He forced her to remember what had
happened to her and describe it to him in graphic detail.
She couldn't get over it until she got it all out in the
open, then he made her mad; so mad, that she forgot that
it was Joe in the room. In her mind, Bob was there, and
Joe encouraged her to show Bob what she was feeling about
what he had done to her. Needless to say, Joe came out a
little the worse for wear. She was slow to start physically
attacking him, but before she was done, Joe had several
knots on his head. After she got it all out, and had calmed
down, Joe came and got me. He told me that Danna needed
to tell me about it herself. That she needed to tell it
to me so that it would all be out in the open, with no more
secrets and nothing hidden. It didn't all go away overnight,
but that was the turning point. She will never completely
get over what happened to her, and she will never forget
what happened. But she has learned how to deal with it.
We had a lot of ups and downs over the years, but we all
came out of it stronger and wiser. Danna is 24 now, and
has blossomed into a strong, beautiful young woman. Joe
and I have been together for nine years now and just celebrated
our 9th wedding anniversary this year. The first time Danna
hugged my Joe goodnight and called him Daddy, you couldn't
have chiseled the grin off his face with a sledgehammer.
He has been good for all of us. Danna is still at home,
but she is dating a little bit, and she has plenty of time
to find the right person for her. Hopefully she won't take
as long as I did to find that person. At one point, before
Joe and I got married, we went to visit my mother and she
made the remark that Danna shouldn't be hanging on Joe,
or sitting on his lap; that it didn't look right. Both Joe
and I were real quick to tell her that Danna was finally
beginning to trust again, and there was no way that we were
going to jeopardize that by telling her not to show any
affection, because it might not look right to people. Don't
get me wrong, my Joe is no angel. He cusses like a sailor,
and he fusses and hollers sometimes. He is a genuine redneck,
but he's my redneck, and I love him more and more every
day of my life. It took Joe to explain to me what Danna
was feeling. That she felt like "she" had betrayed
"me". She felt that it was all her fault. She
could talk to Joe, but she felt like she couldn't talk to
me. Joe helped us both to see that we could get past it
all, and put it behind us. Danna and I finally started to
talk to each other about what was really on our minds and
in our hearts. Danna is 24 years old now, and it's been
a long time since she had a nightmare about that time in
her life. We have had some unbelievable conversations in
the last couple of years, about people, and love, and sexual
relationships. Now we listen to each other with open minds
and hearts. I hope that when the time come that Danna falls
in love, she will find someone like Joe, who will take the
time to know her and Understand her needs and fears. God
willing, she will find a man like her Daddy. I still wonder
sometimes how he managed to get through those first few
years, because I sure didn't make it easy for him. I was
sure that he wouldn't be able to put up with all the nightmares
and crying jags. I still have a problem with depression,
but I know now that I can cope with it all as long as Joe
loves me. It's a great feeling to be secure in the love
of your husband, sure that you can tell him anything and
he will listen with an unselfish heart and an open mind.
That's what happens when your husband is your best friend.
I started this story in 1996, and have just now had the
courage to finish it but I know that I needed to write it,
for other parents, and for me. Please be very careful about
what your children tell you and always listen with a loving
heart. Never assume that you know all about a person. Check
it out, even if you're sure that it can't possibly be true.
