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To myself
I made a pact,
My kids were dependent
on my every act,
I vowed not to
give my heart away again,
I was content with
my life I thought,
But it was really
all just an act.
Still my heart
yearned for someone I could trust,
Then I met a man,
9 years younger than me,
Two lonely souls,
both hurting inside and out,
Both looking for
someone to be the one who would be different, someone
who would be the other half of me,
But the heart knows
not the age difference between
My children were
dependent on me,
L vowed not to
give my heart away again,
I told myself I
was content to live my life alone,
Rather than take
another chance,
But the heart knows
not the age difference between two lonely souls, or
so I thought,
I dreamed of finding
a true love to make my heart whole some day
But my children
needed me,
I dreamed finding
a man that would take me into his arms and heart and
be good to my kids,
But I was to afraid
to take a chance again,
My daughter suffered
most from my mistakes and trusted no man,
Fearsome nightmares
she had, and then,
Then fate decided
I needed a helping hand,
I met a man who
seemed to have an affinity with my children that made
me wary.
Joe was a man who
seemed to take my 3 kids in stride
He encouraged me
to reach out for another chance at a new life.
Inside I felt I
might have known him in another life
I finally figured
out why I felt as if I knew him,
He made me feel
like I did when my dad was alive,
Safe in his secure
care,
I felt immediately
like 1 knew him.
We sat up and talked
the night away,
We talked about
everything under the sun, even about that he used
to dream that my daddy was his.
We talked about
the importance of a loving family life and a stable
home life for my kids,
I had known him
as a child, because-his dad had worked for my dad
when he was a little boy,
He wished my dad
could tell people that Joe was one of his boys.
My dad was just
a big kid at heart.
When I was a kid
and daddy and I went to the carnival it was a foot
race to see which one of us could run the fastest
race.
I did my best to
keep up with his pace.
But I was still
afraid to trust,
But I decided trusting
him was a must.
If we were ever
to have a lasting love,
He was as afraid
as I,
And I had made
bad judgments before.
But the more time
I spent with him, and learned about him, the more
I grew to love him, and the more I grew afraid, the
more my heart cared and yearned, but I was to afraid
to take another chance.
Would my love be
returned?
Or would things
turn out like before,
We lived together
and things seemed to be magical,
We got along so
well,
But, we were both
still leery,
We wanted to be
sure, making no more mistakes,
And so, we waited.
People started
telling me that I had changed,
That I looked
years younger and started telling me that finally
I looked happy with my life
J Finally asked
my mom what had changed.
I was amazed at
what she said.
“Sweetheart,
I know how old you are,
But you seemed
to have changed the way you look at life.”
“The only
Thing I can tell you is,
You used to look
like a middle aged housewife,
Content with her
lot in life;”
Raising her kids
to have a good example to pattern their lives after,
to live they’re lives by, but I thank god’s
grace, for helping me find my other half, though it
took many more years than I thought it would.
Now at last finally,
I have a chance to just be me.
I have been a daughter
to my mother, a mother to my kids, a care provider,
and fixer of bruises and bumps inside and out, soothing
feelings and cuddling away pouts. Now, finally I had
time to learn who I was, and what I wanted do with
my life. I can say that because now I have no regrets
and make no apologies.
My Joe took the
time to teach me I needed time to find out that I
was a worthwhile person,
Now I had time
to out how to be me.
I’m Suzy Gillespie,
Way, Grendell, Ford, and I have
Multiple Sclerosis,
3 kids, and 3grandchildren,
a mother and a brother
And one husband
who all love of us, as much as we adore them.
Now don’t
get me wrong, my Joe’s no saint, he’s just
a redneck at heart. But he has no meanness or cruelty
in him. In his heart he does not agree that Chris,
Danna, and Adam are his step kids, according to him,
steps are just things you climb.
Our oldest son
Chris is 26 now and does beautiful carpentry work,
and I’m as proud of him today I was the day he
was first put in my arms and now he has given me 3
adorable grandchildren; Katie, Summer, And Dennis.
Who is not his son by birth, but by everything in
his soul.
My daughter Danna
is 25 and she stays at home to take care of me.
My daughter is
my shining star with a voice that was given to her
by god himself.
How many 25 year-old’s
do you know that would stay at home to take care of
a mother who should be able to take care of herself?
Last but not least, is my baby boy Adam, who is in
the 11h grade now and has ranked 6th at shooting in
the state, and been offered scholarships to Harvard,
Princeton, U.C.L.A and M.I.T.
Adam scored 32
his A.C.T.’S. But he’s thinking about going
to a military school in Vermont.
The depression
gets very bad sometimes, but I have too many things
to be thankful to my God for.
I could not wish
for anything more except, god willing, to run and
play with my grandchildren once more.
Suzy
9/10/2002
Dedicated to my
husband, kids, mother, and grandchildren.
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